North Pole Media Explodes with Worries About Santa

A report from the North Pole Gazette on Saturday has upset a lot of people at the North Pole. The newspaper article said authorities at the Flight Command Center are really “hunting Santa”, not just using Santa’s planned absence as a training vehicle for tracker elves.

The article has led to widespread speculation and genuine worry among elves working for Santa.

“If Santa is missing we should know that,” said Elf Dwight Mancrado, a stocking technician in Santa’s Workshop. “I don’t need to be here making socks that won’t be used for four months when I could be out looking for the Big Guy and bringing him home.”

Elf Dwight’s comments are typical of what many elves have expressed. On radio call-in shows, on North Pole websites online and in the North Pole employee lunchroom all the talk is Santa and whether or not he needs rescue.

According to Elf Ed Zachary, who works part time at the Gazette, the elf who wrote the story is a good journalist and his sources check out.

“This is the real deal,” Ed Zachary said, “but I think there are too many elves jumping to conclusion here. We were all here when Santa made his announcement and explained what he is doing. If there is a search and rescue operation going on I think someone should step up and confirm for us whether or not Santa is really lost. I don’t know think he is. And if he isn’t lost, why would the Flight Command Center be using his absence in this way? Who rescues someone who doesn’t want to be rescued?”

That question may have been answered by Mrs. Claus this morning, who held a hastily called press conference for North Pole media. Speaking from a prepared statement at the podium of the media center at Santa’s Workshop, Mrs. Claus declared, “Santa Claus is not lost. We might not know where he is for sure, because we haven’t heard from him, but we know he is not lost.” Mrs. Claus refused to take any questions.

That statement has done very little so far to calm the worries of elves at the North Pole.

“This is going to be a whopper of a distraction,” Elf Bernard at Santa’s Workshop told me. “We already lost most the day on Saturday. We need everyone to calm down, do their work and let Santa be Santa. If Mrs. Claus says there is no concern, then we should be focused on other things, like getting our work done.”

Elf Ernest

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