Christmas Eve Weather Looks Snowy

North PoleMerry greetings all!

There’s a nip in the air here at the North Pole but we still know the bitter cold and the deep snow of winter are a few weeks away.

In fact, I stopped in at the Weather Center and had a chat with Elf Billy. I wanted to see how he sees the weather two months from now when Santa gets ready to fly.

Elf Billy says the odds of heavy snow for Christmas Eve look pretty solid. It won’t affect Santa, of course. It never does.

I just find it curious that almost every Christmas Santa has to leave in a blizzard.

Elf Ernest

What Mrs. Claus is Really Like

Life as an ElfFor all the questions we receive about Santa we get nearly an equal amount of questions about Mrs. Claus.

I personally think that is a good thing. No, it’s a great thing. Mrs. Claus is, without a doubt, the secret behind the success of Santa Claus.

That’s why it is curious to me that the biggest question about Mrs. Claus is her first name. Kids ask that all the time.

My thought is, “who cares?” But that is just me.

The truth is this, and Elf Ernest has told you this many, many times: we just don’t know what Mrs. Claus’ first name is. She and Santa have never told us.

Santa always calls her “Mrs. Claus” and “Yes, Dear”. That is it. Maybe in private he calls her something else but in front of all of us it is mostly Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus is beloved here at the North Pole. No, she’s more than that. She is the kind of person who walks into a room and everyone lowers their voice. She has what I call presence. Everything seems to rise to her level when she comes into a room.

Mrs. Claus has beautiful white hair. It is long but I’ve never seen her wear it down. She always wears it up. Sometimes it is in a loose bun, and sometimes she just gathers it to the back of her head in a fancy way I just cannot describe. Her hair is very striking – it shimmers.

Mrs. Claus does not like to be noticed. She does many things here at the North Pole and she is as active as Santa in all that we do. But she does it with as few words as possible.

She is very, very smart. Santa says that “Mrs. Claus is the real brains of the outfit” and I believe him. She just always knows what to do. Even Santa goes to her for advice.

If you were to ask Mrs. Claus what her role is she would tell you it is to make cookies and fix Santa’s suit. But don’t you believe that. She is everywhere taking care of everything.

Take the reindeer, for example.

Now, you all know that Elf Victor is the head of reindeer operations here at the North Pole. And he does a fine, fine job. He meets their every need and they love him.

But Mrs. Claus is over at the barn all the time, checking on the reindeer. She can tell just by looking in their eyes if one of them is coming down with something. She never misses a day of checking on them and Elf Victor knows never to get in her way.

None of us ever do. If Mrs. Claus is coming your way you better be ready to answer questions. She will have a billion of them. That is her particular talent. She doesn’t attend a single meeting and she doesn’t have to. She is so good at asking questions that she finds out everything that is going on very, very quickly. Nobody messes with her.

If she has ideas about an elf’s job or if she thinks something is wrong she will never tell us. She always talks to Santa. Santa never admits that Mrs. Claus tells him things but we sometimes can tell when things change that Mrs. Claus has given him her opinion.

Mrs. Claus has very high standards and she expects everyone else to have them too. You would never hear her say a bad word. She is always dressed perfectly, not a hair out of place. She never yells. And she can say things with just the look on her face. Everyone wants to please her.

Mrs. Claus is a worrier, I will tell you that. Every time Santa flies she gets concerned. She doesn’t stop him and she doesn’t even say much to him. But I can tell just by looking at her that she is concerned. I think they call that love.

Some of the girl elves around here think Mrs. Claus should be more visible as a leader at the North Pole. Some even say that SHE should be the one flying around the world every Christmas instead of Santa. In fact, they held a meeting once with Santa about it and he thought it was a good idea.

But Mrs. Claus merely shook her head. “A lady,” she said, “doesn’t need to show everyone her crown. A queen commands just by who she is.”

Boy, is that true. In my opinion, Mrs. Claus can do anything. Anything! But she chooses to do what she does very quietly and often, without people knowing about it.

I know some things. I can tell you stories about the wonderful things Mrs. Claus does for people. But she won’t let me. She is just that kind of lady.

Santa Begins Efforts to Recruit Tracker Elves

Breaking NewsOne of the big secrets of the North Pole Tracking Department has been revealed. In the past week elves have quietly opened a new website designed to manage and recruit millions of new Santa tracker elves. The site is called

Elf Agent X was one of the many elves that was part of the project. “We have for years recruited Santa’s secret spies via and we will continue to do so,” Agent X told me. “But this effort is different. These new tracker elves won’t work for me — they will work for the North Pole Tracking Department.”

A tracker elf is one that tracks Santa for Santa. Santa needs them in every area of the world.

They work in the weeks ahead of Christmas and during Santa’s flight to provide timely information to the Flight Command Center at the North Pole.

They are tasked with reporting on conditions — everything from the weather to the local condition of rooftops and chimneys.

Often, tracker elves are interviewed during the live radio news broadcast on Kringle Radio on Christmas Eve.

Thousands of elves work in support of Santa each year in places all over the globe. It has always been that way. But Santa’s flight effort has become more complicated over time and he just needs more elves, more eyes, and more support of the flight effort.

Any believer in Santa can volunteer for duty. Here are the steps to follow if you are not already an elf:

1. Go to Elf and become an elf if you haven’t already done so. You need to take the Elf Oath.

2. Head then to SantaTrackers.Net and register to become a Santa Tracker elf.

3. When it asks for an invitation code to join type in the word snowball.

And that’s it — the site is completely private for authorized elves only. Once you have received your promotion to Official Santa Tracker Elf the site will give you instructions and begin your training. There is much to learn between now and Christmas if you are to help Santa when he takes flight.

“This is actually the first of two new websites the Tracking Department will open this year,” Elf Quinton told me. “That other new site won’t open until Halloween and we will explain it at that time. But we wanted to begin the process of recruiting new tracker elves now because Santa wants so many of them this year.”

This is a major announcement, folks. It is historic.

If you’re a believer I think you should go sign up for this new position as soon as you can. This is NOT an elf position that works you at the North Pole. But it is a smart move for anyone who wants to develop an elf career. To be part of Santa’s flight operations on Christmas Eve is a big honor. Just ask any of the reindeer. They all compete to be a part of it. You will want to be a part of it too.

Elf Ernest

Workshop Goes High Tech

ElfHey everyone!

I took a tour of Santa’s workshop the other day. Those guys have some neat new gizmos in there to help them do their jobs better.

You probably already know about power nail guns and power staplers and that kind of stuff. But now they have something really cool called a power shrinker.

This is a machine that wraps stuff in plastic. You know how you always have to cut off plastic from a new toy or a new iPod or something like that?

This machine takes any kind of object and just shrinks plastic around it. You just drop the thing in and it comes out in seconds all wrapped 100%. It’s the coolest machine I’ve ever seen.

They are also testing out some power hammers. So far, it has not been a successful test.

Elf Lumpy tried to use one of the new power hammers on a bag of pistachios. He not only obliterated the nut but he put a hole in the table that makes it so you can see right to the floor.

Those new hammers are too powerful. Well, except for maybe coconuts.

Elf Ernest

How Elves Poop and Other Secrets of North Pole Life

Life as an ElfI was stunned to get this question via the mail to the North Pole this week: How do elves poop?

I’m not answering it. And that’s because elves poop like everyone else and it’s disgusting and I don’t want to talk about it.

But these are the burning questions we get about elf life here at the North Pole. People – well, kids, I guess – look at us and think there is something different.

Well, it’s not poop.

The truth is that we do not have a lot of real secrets when it comes to being an elf and working for Santa. We have the same problems as anyone. There’s really nothing special about being an elf.

I mean, yeah, I have a flying reindeer named Sparkle. But hey, what elf doesn’t?

Okay, okay. I get it. That’s not normal. Working at the North Pole is not normal. Working for Santa is not normal. Maybe there are a few little things that make us as elves different.

But let’s stop grasping at straws here. I will just explain it to you. Check your poop at the door.

I’ve explained many times that being an elf is like being as any other person. I’ve explained, as have others, that an elf can be anyone – anywhere at the world. You could be surrounded by elves and never know it (and you probably are).

But for elves who work here at the North Pole, I’ll admit, there are some thing about us that definitely are NOT normal.

But they are not the things you would expect.

First of all, we keep secrets. That much is very true. Santa cannot do what he does without a high degree of confidentiality.


Well, there are security concerns. Santa cannot have a warehouse of video games without a few cameras and door locks.

But there are better reasons to keep secrets. Santa loves to surprise and most people love to be surprised. As an elf, we know the surprises that are coming on Christmas morning.

We love that part of our jobs. It is really magical to know that what you’re making or wrapping and handling is going to make someone really happy.

So to be an elf Santa has to trust us with keeping those surprises in check.

An elf also has to be able to be happy all the time.

That is harder work than you really know. After all we have problems like everyone else. See the stuff about poop above. We get sick. We have bills. We get crabgrass and acne and Barbra
Streisand on the radio. You know, the normal stuff of life.

But Santa has this thing about being jolly.

Sometimes I don’t know how he does it. But I understand why.

When you bring a light into a light room it makes everything brighter. And when you bring a light into a dark room it makes the dark go away. In other words, being jolly and happy and cheerful is never wrong.

This is the stuff you have to understand as an elf.

That and eggnog. Eggnog is a big one to understand.

Elves drink eggnog like air. It practically runs in our veins. I don’t know what there is about the stuff but you cannot be unhappy drinking eggnog. It’s just not possible.

The things you learn as an elf.