I was stunned to get this question via the mail to the North Pole this week: How do elves poop?
I’m not answering it. And that’s because elves poop like everyone else and it’s disgusting and I don’t want to talk about it.
But these are the burning questions we get about elf life here at the North Pole. People – well, kids, I guess – look at us and think there is something different.
Well, it’s not poop.
The truth is that we do not have a lot of real secrets when it comes to being an elf and working for Santa. We have the same problems as anyone. There’s really nothing special about being an elf.
I mean, yeah, I have a flying reindeer named Sparkle. But hey, what elf doesn’t?
Okay, okay. I get it. That’s not normal. Working at the North Pole is not normal. Working for Santa is not normal. Maybe there are a few little things that make us as elves different.
But let’s stop grasping at straws here. I will just explain it to you. Check your poop at the door.
I’ve explained many times that being an elf is like being as any other person. I’ve explained, as have others, that an elf can be anyone – anywhere at the world. You could be surrounded by elves and never know it (and you probably are).
But for elves who work here at the North Pole, I’ll admit, there are some thing about us that definitely are NOT normal.
But they are not the things you would expect.
First of all, we keep secrets. That much is very true. Santa cannot do what he does without a high degree of confidentiality.
Well, there are security concerns. Santa cannot have a warehouse of video games without a few cameras and door locks.
But there are better reasons to keep secrets. Santa loves to surprise and most people love to be surprised. As an elf, we know the surprises that are coming on Christmas morning.
We love that part of our jobs. It is really magical to know that what you’re making or wrapping and handling is going to make someone really happy.
So to be an elf Santa has to trust us with keeping those surprises in check.
An elf also has to be able to be happy all the time.
That is harder work than you really know. After all we have problems like everyone else. See the stuff about poop above. We get sick. We have bills. We get crabgrass and acne and Barbra
Streisand on the radio. You know, the normal stuff of life.
But Santa has this thing about being jolly.
Sometimes I don’t know how he does it. But I understand why.
When you bring a light into a light room it makes everything brighter. And when you bring a light into a dark room it makes the dark go away. In other words, being jolly and happy and cheerful is never wrong.
This is the stuff you have to understand as an elf.
That and eggnog. Eggnog is a big one to understand.
Elves drink eggnog like air. It practically runs in our veins. I don’t know what there is about the stuff but you cannot be unhappy drinking eggnog. It’s just not possible.
The things you learn as an elf.